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Sorry for lack of updating. Random post to come later. Life isn't any better. Still depressed, still contemplating checking out of this life. More to come...

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My life is pointless. I don't care if I live or die. I'm a failure, a bum. I'm gonna pack my bags and drive till I can't drive anymore. There I will start a new life or die. Never return to this hell....

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I feel miserable and need chocolate!! I meant to buy some and forgot. Maybe tomorrow when I go to get my car, I can pick up some. I'm in a crisis and have no chocolate!!

This sickness is kicking my butt. Unfortunately, the cough syrup with codeine isn't knocking me out either. I put Vicks on my feet but I'm not sure it's helping. My feet feel funny. Lol

Fuel pump went out in my car, going to cost $400 to fix. Ugh. There goes my financial aid money. Hopefully it will take care of the problem though. Tired of dealing with it. Second time this has happened.

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Went to meet my counselor today. Went ok. Set up treatment plan. I'm a nervous wreck! I need to get thru one more day and then I can relax on Friday. I'm exhausted!

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I'm an absolute disaster and wednesday can't come fast enough. I need help big time.
I have a counseling session on Wednesday.

My heart is broken and I have no where to run, no where to hide. I've called out to God and he is silent. I pray He has help on the way because I am about to lose my mind.

I have two tests this week. One in nursing and one in nutrition which I have to bring up. I have to pass it or I can't go on. It scares me b/c I can't focus and I can't go into my room like I do in Jills class.

I talked to Peanut and she told me to keep trying. She said I was doing well and had really improved. She felt like I was on the right Path.

She asked me of I wanted to drop. I told her not yet. I had to stay the semester and I would reevaluate my life and expectations.

It's just so hard for me to enjoy nursing. I hate it. It doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to be a nurse, work as a nurse for the next 50 years and be miserable.

I thought God had more for me but I'm guessing I heard wrong. I feel like there is so much more out there for me but I'm having to settle for 2nd best.

Maybe I missed the mark and just made up this big dream thinking it was Gods will when it was just the voices in my head.

I think my parents are fighting b/c of me. I think I need to move out but I don't have the means to live on my own.

Apparently they have been talking b/c two diff people told me I needed to move out and grow up. They said I was an issue in my house. No surprise there. I've been an issue since the day I was born. I wish they would've just beat me to death when they were threatening.

I hate myself and I hate my life. I have no will to live. I have no reason to live and that is a scary place to be. I think counseling might help but I don't know. Found out today my counselor is younger than me. She is 25. That's tough for me. I feel so ashamed and so pathetic. Maybe I am just a loser.

I just needed to talk things out. My mind is going 10000 mph. So many thoughts...

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I'm pathetic. It's only 9:30pm and I have the lights out and am laying on the couch ready for bed. I must be getting old. Tomorrow morning I have to sit with grandma for a lil bit. Have to be at work at 2pm to cover for Mitch. Lovely. Oh well, I need the money. Hope he asked someone to come in with me or maybe Paul will come sit with me. Of course if it's slow that could be dangerous. I so just want to kiss him! Lol! I hope that he soon makes a move or I'm going too! I can't stand the suspense!!! Lol.

Anyway, nothing new going on. I have a dr appt this week with the shrink. Hoping to talk her into taking me off the meds that I've actually been off for awhile. Lol. She just doesn't know it and would be pissed if she knew since I've had refills. I'm just stocking up in case I ever need to go back on them. Shit happens so it's always good to be prepared.

Other than that, nothing is happening. Just hanging out waiting for snow!! Lol

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For today's picture, go to my twitter and look at my pic on there! Lol. That is a pic of the box of chocolates Paul gave me for valentines day. I'm not big on this stuff but he wanted to give me something. He liked his cologne. I hope he liked his card. He was afraid to open his card at the store. Lol. I don't blame him after the way the guys gave him a hard time. Dumbasses. Just because they aren't romantic doesn't mean we can't be!!

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Pic to come shortly. Lol

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I seriously need to get a life...ugh.

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