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Sep. 21st, 2012 07:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
undertakerchickI'm an absolute disaster and wednesday can't come fast enough. I need help big time.
I have a counseling session on Wednesday.
My heart is broken and I have no where to run, no where to hide. I've called out to God and he is silent. I pray He has help on the way because I am about to lose my mind.
I have two tests this week. One in nursing and one in nutrition which I have to bring up. I have to pass it or I can't go on. It scares me b/c I can't focus and I can't go into my room like I do in Jills class.
I talked to Peanut and she told me to keep trying. She said I was doing well and had really improved. She felt like I was on the right Path.
She asked me of I wanted to drop. I told her not yet. I had to stay the semester and I would reevaluate my life and expectations.
It's just so hard for me to enjoy nursing. I hate it. It doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to be a nurse, work as a nurse for the next 50 years and be miserable.
I thought God had more for me but I'm guessing I heard wrong. I feel like there is so much more out there for me but I'm having to settle for 2nd best.
Maybe I missed the mark and just made up this big dream thinking it was Gods will when it was just the voices in my head.
I think my parents are fighting b/c of me. I think I need to move out but I don't have the means to live on my own.
Apparently they have been talking b/c two diff people told me I needed to move out and grow up. They said I was an issue in my house. No surprise there. I've been an issue since the day I was born. I wish they would've just beat me to death when they were threatening.
I hate myself and I hate my life. I have no will to live. I have no reason to live and that is a scary place to be. I think counseling might help but I don't know. Found out today my counselor is younger than me. She is 25. That's tough for me. I feel so ashamed and so pathetic. Maybe I am just a loser.
I just needed to talk things out. My mind is going 10000 mph. So many thoughts...
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